Yesterday was a rough day for me. I had some feelings from my childhood (you can read about it here…I’ll wait) stirred up a bit. It’s nothing I really want to dive into here, so I’ll spare the details. I’ll just say it was unpleasant and unnecessary. Couple that with some negative self image stuff I had going on mentally and you have the not-so-winning combination I had going making for a not-so-fun day.
Last night after a chat with a friend, I snapped out of it. I went to bed and decided I’d take charge today, starting with my run. I woke up and realized I was a little angry; not “go out and start a fight” angry, but more of a simmering, intense frustration with a scowl kind of angry. I was in need of a solid run, and I got that. I ran with a new friend, Ben, who I met on daily mile. Turns out we live mere blocks apart and have quite a bit in common. We got is a solid run and I felt good.
But my frustration is still there…hence the post. I’m frustrated because I let people get to me, again. I’ve talked about letting things go and moving on, for me it’s a work in progress. I’ve come a long way in a relatively short time. But sometimes, it’s far easier said than done. Back in January, I talked about cutting negativity out. I’ve cut certain folks out of my life, out of my family’s life, because it’s better that way for us; but haven’t quite gone all the way in.
That ends today. I’m done letting people bring me down and tired of buying into other’s negativity. So I’m done with negative people. I’ve been able to cut out those who try to belittle or degrade me. But the others, who are just negative all the time, this is to you. If you’re one of them and you want to be that way…fine, go ahead. We can’t hang out anymore; I’m choosing to not have you in my life. See ya, be well. Will I miss you? I suppose, but honestly it’s not worth it anymore. I’m done wasting time and energy. I’ve got a lot going for me- I’m alive and getting healthy. I have an amazing family and some awesome friends. Dealing with you makes me feel like I’m cheating them. Not anymore.
Now that I have that out of the way, on two item #2 for today- my self sabotaging ways. My negative thinking, putting myself down and over critical eye all need to go. I’ve talked about having a hard time reconciling what I saw in the mirror with my minds eye. Look, losing a lot of weight is great, but the damage I’ve done to my body has left reminders.From saggy skin and fat pockets to floppy bits and stretch marks…while I look a thousand times better, some days I still see myself as “Big Dan”.
Maybe I got spoiled with my success last year. Maybe this year I assumed I’d drop more weight just like before. Maybe I glossed over just how hard it was, and thought it would somehow be easy this year. And maybe I’m being a bit impatient. Instead of being over critical when I look in the mirror, I need to step back and remember how far I’ve come. I’m going to post a couple of “before” pictures in my office and at home by the mirror, to remind myself.
Is my body perfect? No, perfect is very subjective anyway. Screw that word and that line of thought. I’m alive and my body is in the best shape of my adult life. I’m not “Big Dan” anymore…
I’m Dan- a working father, a marathoner, a guy who has lost 113lbs through hard work and determination; who loves his family and friends…and is learning to love himself. I dig that.